Enlightened

(c)Mateusz Stachowski

After an arduous and frustrating psychodrama session yesterday and a loooong talk with my BFF (who is a therapist) today, I suddenly realized that it is not control issues that I’m having, it’s trust issues. Which is a whole other thing altogether. Although I do know the two are interrelated and probably the two sides of one and the same coin, still, to me it’s a huge difference in terms of coping with stuff.

Until now, I always tried to tame the control freak inside of me, to suppress the urge to always be on top of things and I never really understood where this is coming from, I just figured it’s a part of me I need to fight. Well, now I know it’s not just a pointless trait of character, more so one I find unpleasant at best. It’s my way of coping with the insecure and frightening/threatening “place” life obviously is to me. I now know why.

Yesterday, I replayed scenes from my childhood and suddenly anxiety and fear crept up, almost paralyzing me. And I realized this is a state I have lived in for almost 20 years. I’m (kinda) over it now, but it has left its’ imprint on a far deeper level than I am willing to admit. This fear to be wiped out, annihilated on a most visceral level. As a kid, there is only so much you can do. Close your eyes, build your walls, take it one breath at a time. But now I know I lived (quite undeniably so ). Nobody died. I’m all grown up and a parent myself. And I owe it to my daughter to face my demons and get on with my life, as whole as one can get under the circumstances.

So yeah. It’s not really about control. The urge to control everyone and everything and the frustration, coming from the realization that this is an impossible task, is just a symptom. The effect. But it’s caused by my general lack of trust, caused in its’ own turn by whatever crap it was that happened to me a looong time ago.

So that’s that. A fresh start, a different starting point. Just when I felt so stuck that I kept thinking there is no way out, I have to live with this for the rest of my life.

Well, maybe there is. And maybe I don’t.

Please meet Little Lettuce

… she’s ten months, a week and a few days old, but her eyes tell me she won’t stay my little fluffy babygirl for long. Her personality emerges more and more each day and she already knows what “no!” means, as in “no, you don’t get to bite me while nursing, thankyouverymuch”. It hurts my heart a little, but having a child has taught me to let go more than anything else in life.

… physically, she’s a bit slow. Only recently learned how to roll over, and still very far from sitting up or standing up on her own, let alone walking. I attribute it to the c-section and don’t worry much. she has her own pace, that’s ok with me. (except for the part where I actually have a full-time job as public transportation vehicle )

… she made me realize I need to know myself better, so that I can make conscious parenting choices and not just pass along those behavioral patterns I inherited from my parents, not just act on reflex, but know what I’m doing and why. So, therapy it is. Everyone needs it anyway, no?

… she’s sweet and funny, and cute, and I have absolutely no smart closing line, ’cause she’s teething like a mink and I have succumbed to Mommy Brain. But I need to reclaim this space as my own and right now nothing says “me” more than that bittersweet heartache about her fleeting baby-ness…

Time to emerge, possibly

Okay, so I (we) had the baby via c-section in August 2008.

Then I slipped into postpartum haze and blurryness and ended up with a severe case of Mommy Brain. Other than that, all is well. I shall update you little by little.

I’ve been feeling a bit off-track lately, not knowing exactly what is wrong (since the baby is adorable and my life is so, so much better for her being in it)… BUT, well.

Then today I saw the picture of a yoga instructor, who died last September. A young and incredibly beautiful woman. I couldn’t find out what caused her death, but I was struck by the light in her eyes and her smile. And then, suddenly, I knew why I’m feeling off-track. I have no inner joy. Not much, anyway. I have no light, I have no inspiration. And if I knew I was to die tomorrow, I would go without having known fullfillment. Not good. Must do something about this.

Of course, I have the baby, which makes me smile and laugh and dance around, BUT. I can’t rely on her to make me happy. I can’t entrust her with such responsibility. Like my mother did to me, by the way. I still, to this day, can’t get through to her that I’m not supposed to make HER happy. So, I have to take care of myself. No yoga in 2 years. No nothing. I did join a psychodrama group in April, though.

***

I need to come up with a blog name for the baby. Or I can just call her M., hich is the first letter of her real name. Otherwise known as Little Lettuce and Funny Bunny

Hope to be back soon.

How have you been? Anyone still out here?

I might be back

So this is how it all went down in the meantime.

December: Nausea. Lemon-Mint-Tea. More of the nausea. Told my parents I was pregnant. Mum freaked. Daddy happy.

January: Baby had a heartbeat at 7 weeks. I had a sinus infection. No real meds, just decongestants. Are decongestants safe during pregnancy? Noone really knows. I did my research and decided to go ahead. I’ve seen sinus infections break through the orbit. No, thanks. I canceled the shrink appointments. There’s no money for that in the family budget. The shrink is a nice guy, but he doesn’t talk back. He just sits and listens. I grow tired of talking all the crap over I already know. I need some insight. Otherwise this whole thing is useless. Besides, now that I’m pregnant, everything seems to be just fine.

February: Despite fearing the contrary (what about missed abortions?), baby’s fine and growing at 12 weeks. No NT scan. Laptop died. COD irreversible. Dad freaked (company laptop). I lost about 1/3 of a fully translated book on children’s psychology. Mum freaked (gonna miss her publishing deadline). I freaked. Redid the translation.

March: We packed. We moved. We scrubbed floors and dusted and unpacked. We settled down. I started going to work again. I didn’t immediately catch some virus (yay immune system!). 16-week appointment was all fine.

18-week fetal morphology: It’s a girl. All is fine. Except the hyperechogenic bowel. And a bit of pyelectasia. Which is physiological. Does it mean something? Probably nothing. What about the NT scan? Didn’t have that. Why not? I’m easily disturbed by medical interventions. I’m 27 years old and reasonably healthy. I wanted to spare myself the stress. Hmph. What about the Triple test? Same reasons. Okay, I want you to get re-checked by Dr. Prenatal-Screening-Majesty. Is there something to worry about? Probably not…

Went home. Googled “hyperechogenic bowel + pyelectasia“. Came up with Down’s Syndrome. The Darling Man currently touring Italy on a business trip. Decided not to bother him.

Next day. Geneticist’s office. Head of department (colleague of mine), screaming: Why didn’t you have that Triple test done? Me, nearly freaking, see above. I had my medical degree in Germany. They only recommend it for women over 35 years of age. Your OB is completely irresponsible and so are you. This test is obligatory for every pregnant woman! It’s not diagnostic. It’s a screening test. With a very high rate of false positives. Go get that double test done! Are you out of your mind? With all the possibilities that modern medicine has to offer? Do you live in a cave? [...]

Had the Double test done. Made an appointment with Dr. Prenatal-Screening-Majesty for the afternoon. Called The DM in Italy: Listen, our baby’s probably having Down Syndrome. I’m gonna have her anyway. You won’t wanna live with us. It’s okay. We’ll manage on our own. I’ll probably have that amnio. DM: Are you out of your mind? I can’t even leave you for a week, without you going completely crazy. You are not going to stick needles into my baby. Crazy woman.

Appointment with Her Majesty: Umh, I don’t see anything disturbing. Maybe there is a small spot of hyperechogenic bowel. Seems insignificant to me. But she has clinodactyly on the small finger of her left hand. Colleague’s ultrasound probably has no Ob/Gyn software. Wait for those results and come back to see me.

Jesus, lady, my baby has a crooked little finger. It’s not as if she had no brain. I’m not going back. Definitely.

The DM comes back from Italy for my birthday. Thinks I’m gone completely nuts.

Baby’s starting to kick me. I can’t get enough of it. Feels great.

April: We pick up those results from the Double test. They told me not to call or come look for them until Thursaday afternoon. They printed those results on Monday morning. Thank you for 3 days in hell.

My personal risk of having a baby with Down’s Syndrome is 1:2853. The DM would like to smack me. Lucky me. I’m pregnant.

No more f*cking tests. Doctors are weird.

Baby’s called Little Lettuce. Don’t ask.

Sinus infection. See above.

May: The DM’s twins (girls, 13) arrive for a sleepover. They have runny noses. Two days later I wake up with another sinus infection. Can’t breathe. Shit. Take leave of absence from hospital. Lie to my mum about having hay fever.

Regular appointment. At 24w4d she’s 26 cm long and weighing 550 g. She’s measuring one week behind. I freak. I start eating proteins like a crazy woman. I get heart-burn. I start sleeping in a semi-upright position. I read up on babies who are behind schedule. The DM thinks I’m going nuts again. I desperately want this baby to be average and fit the statistics. Other babies weigh almost 1000 g at 26 weeks. [WTF?!]

So that’s that for now. Hope to be back. Someone still out there?

Mayan Astrology

White Magnetic World-Bridger

That’s me according to Mayan Astrology.  Just an excerpt.

In this life-time you are being asked to release and surrender. Surrender is the opposite of giving up. It is freeing yourself from the desire to be in control, letting go of how you think things should be. Surrender is freedom. You are being invited to release yourself from the bondage of preconceived action, to let everything be all right as it is, so that you can live a more inspired life in the moment!

You are being asked to take action in the process of surrender and release. You are requested to die a symbolic death, to surrender your limiting beliefs. Symbolic death unveils the self by cutting away the outgrown parts of yourself that no longer serve you. In such death, ego structures fall away to reveal the garden of the true self. Look for new ways of being, new people, new ideas, and new directions that will move into the vacuum created through surrender and release. Like yeast, surrender enlivens and empowers you to experience more of life’s fullness.

Holding on to past patterns and grievances only limits the possibilities. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Let go. Surrender whatever limits you. Face whatever you are resisting. In the experience of any loss, it is never too late to complete. Through your willingness to walk in the dark forest, insights and revelations will naturally emerge.

Yeah, who would have thought that 

Get you own reading here.

What is wrong with me?

Apart from the obvious. Can anyone tell me why I’ve been obsessively reading every word on miscarriage, stillbirth and any other possible pregnancy disaster ever published out here on the Internet? It’s like those horror movies you get hooked up and can’t look away, but you wonder why you started watching in the first place.

And then I go negotiating with God, like this is not going to happen to me, right? 
And then I start playing in my head all kind of dramatic scenarios, which make me burst into tears.  And then I go all, I’m sorry for being so stupid, please don’t make me jinx it, dear Universe, I don’t really mean it.

Awww. This probably requires a longer post with much more background, but I don’t feel like it. Just wanted to get it off my mind.

But this feels so out of control.

Oh, I’ve been blessed :)

Thank you, Kirsten I’ve been a bit out of touch with you girls lately and I only discovered this a moment ago.

The bloggin’ blessing was started by Ukok, who writes about it:

 The idea… it’s a game of tag with a difference, rather than looking inwardly, we look outside ourselves and bless, praise and pray for one blog friend. By participating in this endeavour we not only make the recipient of the blessing feel valued and appreciated, but we are having some fun too. We’re going to see how far the bloggin’ blessings can travel around the world and how many people can be blessed! Recipients of a bloggin’ blessing may upload the above image to their sidebar if they choose to. If you receive a bloggin’ blessin’ please leave a comment on this thread here so that we can rejoice in just how many blessings have been sent around the world!

Since most of you who are closest to me already have been blessed, this one’s easy on me. I pass this blessing on to Mary, Jay and Maddy.

To Mary, because I always know she hears me. In many things, we’ve traveled similar roads, although years and continents apart. I truly admire the person she’s managed to become. And I look up to her and know, I can do this. Thank you for shining brightly, dear.

To Jay, because she’s brave and strong, facing human pain and suffering on an everyday basis and writing about it humbly, gently, beautifully and respectfully, thus making us see and appreciate what a frail miracle life is.

And to Maddy, who lives a merry life in Villa Villekulla. I would have loved to be your daughter You make me laugh. You make me open my heart and eyes wide and see things differently. Yay you!

Pass it on, girls. I am so glad to have you.

‘Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.’ ~ Rumi

On New Year’s Eve

We’re staying home. We have a couple of invitations, but I don’t feel like going. My head is bursting and after waiting patiently for the dull ache to subside, it only became kinda sharp-ish, so now I’m doped up on paracetamol, which is the only pain medication I am allowed to use. 500 mg every 6 hours.

*

My drive is gone. I barely managed to wash the dishes. Yesterday I took a nap in the afternoon and when I woke up, The Darling Man said, I put on the lights for you, so you don’t wake up in the dark. He knows I hate to sleep in the afternoon and waking up to darkness makes me wanna cry. So he’s being considerate, he put the lights on for me. How sweet.

*

Thinking of Yogamum and WoYoPracMo, I dug out a yoga studio offering prenatal yoga. Unfortunately they write on their website it’s only safe to attend classes after the first trimester of pregnancy, because things are a bit vulnerable before that point. So, YM, dear, let’s talk about it in 2009

*

I’m downloading Marry Poppins, I suddenly remembered how this movie makes me laugh and dance. And although prenatal yoga is out of reach for the time being, this kid sure needs some prenatal literary education

So have a great and blissful time, girls (and boys). Stay safe. See you next year.

Yeah, Christmas.

It started out alright and spiraled down towards mild-but-annoying-disaster. Dad & The Darling Man got themselves drunk on Christmas’ Eve (it’s a man’s thing, you don’t understand, ahem) and mum unpacked her shiny Victorian attitude and went on lecturing for three days straight. So, thank you, family, you are a blast.

I feel weird. Apart from the general nausea-inducing weirdness of pregnancy (5w5d today) I’m in no mood for anything. I don’t like seeing people. I don’t like picking up the phone. I need the apartment re-painted for the baby. I need more space. I need some shelves to hold my books, which are stacked in the kitchen cabinets and strewn around the floor. I need a washing machine, ’cause I can’t stand the piles of dirty laundry waiting to be washed by hand anymore. And maybe I need some Klamath weed to live through the darkness of winter.

The shrink called to tell me he was down with a cold, so I decided not to risk it.

But holy weirdness. This must be hormonal.

OH! MY! GOD!

I should have posted about this DAYS ago, but I am so very much out of breath that I don’t know how to phrase it, so let’s spill the beans: I am 5w0d p-r-e-g-n-a-n-t today!

I saw my two pink lines on Monday morning after work and I have repeated the test a dozen times since, ’cause every time I sneeze, I fear the baby’s gonna drop out I went to my OB on Thursday, who couldn’t see the embryo yet, but saw a gestational sac measuring 6mm at 4w4d or so.

In a way this comes once again to prove that the Universe hears our prayers.

This is exactly what the “baby” looked like

Oh, please, keep your fingers crossed that all goes well. I’ll keep you posted. Lots to share.

Love,

M.