tides and seasons of my secret life

i’ve been clenching my teeth so hard lately, i can hardly open my jaws by now. you know, i’m teeth-clenching when i’m hurt, but i don’t really want to admit to it. close my eyes and bear it. or maybe there is some deep-rooted anger i want to swallow. either way it is not a pleasurable experience. but it is one i choose over and over again, for no apparent reason. although i have a few guesses:

a) this is the only coping strategy i’m familiar with and i’m scared of leaving the secure yet disastrous perimeter of habit and

b) i don’t like to admit, but it’s the halo of martyrdom that i *might* feel attracted by.

and, most certainly, it’a mixture of both. and that’s all it comes down to. being hurt earns me the attention and care i yearn for. in my mind’s eye i’m all pale and fragile. i couldn’t possibly assume responsibility for my own life, could i?

this is what psychologists refer to as secondary gain.

of course, i’ve had anything but a pleasant life. but teeth-clenching and swallowing is running in my family.  say cheese. it’s nobody’s business that you’re falling apart.

well, actually my hurting jaws (or Saturn on my Ascendant) tell me i might want to change the pattern.  i might want to assume responsibility and do something about it for a change.

like, face it.

… one thing i totally don’t know how to do is r e l a x.

i’m always ready to jump-start, always a slight bit anxious and tense. i feel as if someone’s watching me and i am not allowed a step outside the road. well, you can guess that’s no comfortable feeling. and it makes me a bit distracted to other people, conversations and whatever is going on out there. i can’t touch, i can’t connect. i am scared to be judged, i am scared to commit a mistake that can’t be corrected. ever. it’s like armageddon haunting me. all the time.

my body’s hurtig all over, muscles tense and sore. it is hard for me to allow someone to touch my body, even a professional masseur. i feel guilty for not exercizing, for eating too much, for using food as a compensation. i know better, i just don’t live up to it.

i startle in my sleep. the slightest noise has me sitting upright in bed, my heart and temples throbbing.

so, no photo here. i was desperate to find one that reflects a single moment of pure bliss and relaxation, but there is none. and i’m kinda jealous of boho girl. she’s a rockin’ lady.

i have issues to solve. i very much don’t know where to start. but yoga might help. and a deliberate effort for a change, instead of all the whining.

more on how to relax - here.

dying doesn’t change that.
I am still arguing with your father from time to time.  That’s how I know I remember him. They don’t stop annoying you even when they’re dead.

(overheard at “Judging Amy” on Hallmark)

yeah, that’s me. i’m this panickstricken worst-case-scenario-person. it’s me that my boyfriend envisages, when he says “beware of your beloved one’s fears”. i can imagine all kind of awful, miserable things happen to you, if I love you. especially if you’re part of my family. oh yeah, i know that’s nuts, that’s why it’s posted here.

i don’t know how i ended up like this. maybe i try to reach forward in time and steel myself against all possible tragedies in life, mostly includig death. death and disability. maybe i think if i experience it in my head, it won’t catch me unprepared. funny thing is, i have such a vivid imagination, i can actually spend a night crying about the possibility that my parents become involved in a car accident or my dad suffers a heart attack. then i worry whether my children are likely to suffer genetic disorders, because i have the laptop on my lap most of the time (you know, radiation could harm my ovaries) and then i switch to worrying whether i can have children at all. i read lots of infertility blogs and watch lots of hallmark movies, and unlike other people i am inclined to believe that i am prone to misfortune.

lately i’ve been a bit tired of the constant fears i nurture. so i tried to be honest and that’s what came around.  actually, i enjoy worrying. it makes me feel important. it helps me reach out to other people and attract their attention. the attention i never got when i was a little, unhappy girl. so i guess somewhere along the way i must have figured out you only get attention if something really horrible happens. and then, if even then noone would bother, i could still feel sorry for myself. it helps. it soothes my (imaginary?) pain.

now i’ll share one of my darkest secrets. when i was 14, a friend of mine had  leucaemia. back then, it was a particularly hard time for me, so i made up her death and made everyone comfort me and treat me like i was very fragile. fortunately, she’s alive and well. i know that’s unforgivable. i never admitted to it. i never asked for forgiveness. i don’t believe she would understand. she would think im a freak. and who knows, maybe i am…

i haven’t really processed it all yet. i haven’t dived deep into it, because i’m scared of my own shadow. and i’m scared oh what you would think of me. other people. strangers or friends. i dread judgement. i feel extremely vulnerable. just this time i restrain myself from making up some tragedy and i try sticking with the truth.

i’ll leave comments open for a while and i won’t use password-protection. just to see what happens. how i feel about it. and what confessions come next…

(i think this is becoming topical because of the mundane Saturn/Neptune opposition, since saturn represents the Law and Order of our earthly lives and Neptune on the other hand speaks for lies, obscurity, illusions and addictions. Saturn, that’s the earth element… that’s something solid and truthful, it sets clear lines and borders. Neptune, on the other hand - that’s the element of water, somewhat blurred, unclear, unconscious, flooding the borders. so these days they form a mundane opposition, which affects my Asc-Dsc axis. my 1st house-7th house axis. and i have Saturn on my Asc, demanding of me to become clear about who i am, to face what i usually avoid, to become more grounded and to develop a higher understanding (Neptune) of how i define love, how i manipulate it, how i try to control it…)

well, let the journey begin.

it’s what this blog is all about. i’m tired of being lil’ miss sunshine. all the time. of course, i don’t want to be grumpy, i don’t want to scare people away, i’ll still be nice and friendly. maybe even too friendly at times. but all that people acknowledge about me so far matches two categories - one) the sunny side of me and two) the drama queen on the loose. and i’m tired to be seen as either. i feel deprived of my natural right to experience hurtful emotions and incidents deeply and truly. people just think i’m throwing a fit. just like a toddler tantrum, except that im 26 and counting.

when i was born, the universe  played a joke on me. it totally forgot to give me a reasonable amount of water/scorpio/pluto energy. or at least something that’s visible and tangible. oh no, instead i get to inherit my mother’s moon-square-pluto aspect (which noone can possibly percieve) and that’s all about it. and then the universe put me amidst all those plutoish women i can’t hold up against. no leo-ascendent in the whole wide solar system can hold up against a bunch of first-house-plutonians. of course i look like a drama-queen amongst them. a fiery burn-and-go kinda girl. the needs-a-stage-to-show-off kinda girl. and of course i realize while i’m writing this, that it sounds very much the same.

but have you ever noticed that we display exactly the behaviour we are expected to. we  involuntarily reply to other people’s notions. if i am expected by my parents to act like their immature child, well that’s exactly what i do. i don’t feel i have the space to act like the grown-up me. and if i’m expected to act like a fiery selfish drama queen… well, yes again, that’s what i do. i feel the pressure of other people’s concepts become an unbearable burden. i want to escape the dreaded circle of action and re-action. of expectation and re-action. i want to be free to dive deeper, to become my true self, to be truly joyful and truly hurt. and i don’t want to participate in this “who is the better martyr” competition anymore, because clearly, i can’t compete with plutonians, but i also find it really stupid.

i still want to be lil’ miss sunshine, who is given the right to have a tea-time of the soul. a time for mending and fixing and healing. for being still and silent, and honest. that’s what it’s all about…

This is a monastery ruin in Bulgaria. The murals on the church’s wall date from the XV century and one of Bulgaria’s greatest icon-painters (Zahari Zograph) has worked here for 2 years in the XIX century. The Bulgarian government and a local NGO have developped a project for the restauration of the Monastery’s site.

I am very intrigued by the feelings and emotions these ruins evoke. This is a place of utter destruction and decay and still there is much life, so much joy radiating from it. It’s all green, flowering and alive. And the ruins are very soothing, calming, they incorporate the idea of Pantha Rei, but as a very natural, smooth process. For me, this is a place out of space, out of time. This is a place just to be. I couldn’t imagine a better blessing. And look at the ladder - the Stairway to Heaven, awaiting some lonesome traveler to dare climb it. I guess, this is part of what we call “a problem” - we simply don’t dare. It’s all there, beneath our feet, above our heads, but we don’t see, we don’t feel, we don’t dare.

Do you see it the way I do? Do you see the graceful perfection of pure imperfection? This is what life is - self-sufficient, luxuriant, growing from every crack, every angle, flowing and flowering… celebrating its own existence… Life does not doubt, does not waver, fears nothing, holds nothing back… Life does not plan perfection, life does not suffer imperfection. Life IS.

Be blessed.

P.S. More Blessings.

°°°Well, it’s bits and pieces all over the place. Shallows and depths, lines and curves… it couldn’t possibly be more of me. I could as well write about the not-always-friendly relationship between those body and mind of mine, but I am so pleased with the result, I would rather not spoil it by talking…

P.S. I still feel very vulnerable about this… and I would appreciate each and every comment very much… thank u.

i guess the spiritual, creative, daring, playful me needs a hidden place to show off. that’s rather paradoxical - i can share certain things with any given stranger on the internet, but i feel anxious and vulberable to share them with the people, which mean the most to me. yes, i have a tremendous fear of judgement. and i prefer to hide and feign instead of sticking up for my needs and beliefs.

i will use this blog for various challenges  and creative projects, as well as a place to phrase my spiritual searchings, journeys and insights. i want this to be my sheltered space and you are warmly welcome, if you only tread lightly.