tides and seasons of my secret life

I finally started watching The Secret, but then decided to leave it for tonight, when I can concentrate on it, ’cause right now I’m flooded by instant messages.

There are times, when I suddenly realize all the love, that is surrounding me. Most of the time, I know it is there, but it doesn’t overwhelm me the way it does today. Maybe this is because I know there are many people I love, but only seldom realize how very much they love me back.

Which is not only heartwarming, it’s magic. You feel the threads of love spun around you like a cocoon. You know, you can fall or stumble or just lean back and relax and they will hold you. You know, nothing devastating can happen, because the love is there. Only sometimes, we get too entangled in contradictions, desires, suffering. But then again, something small, almost invisible happens and we are released, free… It’s only a matter of shifting your point of view. Of finding access to your inner centre. Then you can hear your heart whispering. And you can relax…

Have a happy Wednesday, go tell someone you love them!

Guilt got me on the mat first thing in the morning. Yeah, I’m like, that responsible. I can’t help it.

I had somewhat of a therapy session with a friend of mine, yesterday. I noticed I keep saying “a friend of mine” in various posts and it sounds a bit impersonal, so let’s call her A. A. is a psychologist/astrologist/art therapist/psychodramatist/painter/writer and that’s only part of her talents. We have established these work sessions lately, where she and I sit together and get some work done. The presence of another hard working being in the same room as you keeps you from procrastinating. It just doesn’t feel right. So, yesterday I was translating a book on child psychology and she was writing some article for a women’s magazine.

We take breaks from time to time to have a cup of coffee and the occasional cigarette (yeah, I’m irresponsible like that). And while happily chatting away, she suddenly hit a point. It’s about the way I am. I’m 26. I don’t sound like 26. Usually, I sound like 75. And then again, like 3. And I act that way. It’s an either-or situation for me.

I had to be a grown-up at an age when I was hardly able to tie my own shoes. But I had to take responsibilities, protect and care for my younger brothers, sort things out between our parents (not that it was ever possible) and keep myself sane. Which I did and I did it well.

And now I’m 26 and feel like 75 and wish I could be 3. I have this moments of regression. I cry, I throw tantrums, I manipulate other people’s attention and concern by playing all teeny tiny helpless girly girl. I trick them into loving me for being feeble. And I resent myself for that. ‘Cause in my heart, I’m a warrior princess.

At this point A. rushed into her studio and came back with a white sheet of paper and colour pencils. She wanted me to draw my 3-year-old self and my 70-year-old self on that sheet of paper. This was the task, everything else was up to me. Umh, you can understand my confusion, since she’s a painter and I spend most of my arts classes in school, well, not really attending them. But then again, what a chance! How was I going to miss this opportunity to find out something new about myself?

I am really sorry about sharing a camera with my brother, ’cause I never have it when I need it. Pictures of my picture to be posted soon. It’s hard to explain what happens to your mind when put in a situation like this. As a part of my medical education, I have studied psychology. I have read many books on psychology and even translated some. I’m no unsoiled, unencumbered mind. I know where she’s heading, I can even read her thoughts. I can analyze myself pretty good by myself most of the time. But I can’t free myself. I’m trapped.

So when you end up in and unexpected situation like this, the knowledge doesn’t help. Your mind performs a shut-down-operation. It’s your instincts and intuition all over the place. You can’t control it, even if you want to. But you can open the door and let it in. Pure, unclouded experience. Between A. and I, it’s a matter of mutual love and trust. I don’t give in so easily. Which is not because I need to protect my ego, but just because I fear to fall apart, should anybody find a crack in my shell. With A. I have no fears. None at all. I know she can hold me, even if I fall. I know she’s the best of the best. Of course, there is a veto on mixing friendship and therapy, but since we were sitting there drinking coffee, it wasn’t really therapy, but more like an experiment between friends.

I think I’ll share the insights when I can post the pictures. I drew, we discussed it. A few lights went on. You are probably tired of hearing it, but it’s all Saturn’s fault. I couldn’t possibly prevent him from crossing my ascendant and whirling up all those questions of truth and form and sense and direction. But, you know, I don’t mind. If this is the right time to become a little bit more whole and happy, even if the process of becoming is quite painful, so be it. ‘Cause in 3 years when I have my Saturn Return, I’ll have far less to fear. If I can do it now, why procrastinate? If I can be 26, actually, why feel 70 and act like 3? Can you hear the common sense whispering? I’m gonna take this ride.

Two weeks ago, I met a guy. We’ve become very close since. Close in that big brother/little sister sort of way. But it didn’t feel like this in the beginning. It felt like attraction, I’m afraid to tell. And in this first moment of attraction, before we reaized we were both actually committed, he told me how beautiful I was. B-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l. Wow. You know what? Right this moment, I felt 26 for the very first time in my life. Young, full of life and love and beautiful.

I just realized how… self-centered (read: egocentric) this blog probably sounds. But on the other hand, that’s my blog about ME. I have another one, too, which I won’t share for reasons of discretion. It handles my connection with the outer world. But this one here is about the Universe inside of me. Thank you for stopping by. It makes me feel less alone.

I’ve been feeling a bit off-course and broken lately, so I decided to give myself a day off from asana practice.

And already, guilt is nagging at me.

I wish I was more inspired by this week’s Sunday Scribblings challenge. But, as I have already stated, i’m not very good with simplicity. The truth is I’m complicated all over. I just turned out that way, due to severe parenting mistakes (as much as I can assess).

Then again, I can clearly see all advantages of simplicity. I strive to get closer. I have my little moments, brief but memorable. A couple of nights ago, I woke up at 3.00 a.m. feeling completely rested. After turning in bed for a while, I got up and got on the mat. I love the darkness and quietness of nighttime. Just plain dark and quiet, nothing to distract me, nothing to worry about, nothing to DO. I went through my routine with eyes closed, breathing, taking long breaks in relaxing poses. It felt very different from what it feels like in the mornings.

Right now I’m really complicated on the inside. There are old wounds I need to cope with, because I’m becoming sick and tired with them. There are new challenges everyday life poses. There are choices to be made, possibilities to be considered, responsibilities to be taken. It’s all running around in my head, waiting to be solved, refusing to be postponed.

And then, there are things to make it bearable. To keep me sane and coping. My mat is only one of them. Bach Flower Remedies are another.

• Agrimony: This Essence helps those who appear carefree and humorous, but actually they hide behind a mask to hide their anxieties, worries and inner pain and fears. They dislike being alone and are very sociable, seeking company as a distraction. Agrimony helps them express their pain, fears and worries; their cheerfulness will come from within, instead of covering up pain and worries.

• Centaury: This Essence is for those who can’t say “no.” They let themselves be imposed on and even bullied by others. For example, if your boss knows that you have to leave early on Wednesdays, to pick up your daughter from soccer, but every Wednesday you boss has something you need to have done before you leave and you always end up staying longer and therefore always shows up late after your daughter’s soccer is over. Centaury helps you say “not today, I need to pick up my daughter. Any other day is okay but not on Wednesdays.” Centaury will help you stay in touch with your own wishes and you will be able to express and defend your own opinions.

• Clematis: This Essence helps when you loose interest in the present. You have difficulty in concentrating, due to a tendency to daydream rather than lack of innate ability. Clematis helps you get a lively interest in the world around you and in life.

• Hornbeam: This Essence helps when you have the “Monday morning feeling” all week. The weariness is rather mental than physical and it is difficult to face the day’s work. Procrastinating is often as result of the mental imbalance.

• Wild Oat: This Essence helps when you feel uncertain as to which direction to take in life, such as, choosing a career, you have reached a cross-road in life and are completely undecided as to what way to go. Wild Oat helps you get a clear picture of what to do in life, with positive idea and ambitions, and the ability to decide upon one’s true path.

Then, I have friends. People who walk the park with me all day long. Such who listen. Such who bother reading what I write. Such who can sit with me in silence.

There is beauty, too, which helps.

And Zencast. As a special gift for zazazu today, ’cause she loves Thich Nhat Hanh.

There are many books on keepin’ things simple, but what eventually really helps, is your own experience. It’s training your senses to be aware of the details. Holding on to the small things, appreciating them. And accepting every helping hand you can get.

(more sunday scribblings here)

This turned out to be a confusing post. On simplicity.

I’m thinking about switching to an evening routine. I just found out (by accident) that I can actually do the Forward Bend with only minor difficulties. Just, not in the morning.

Another thing that has been very helpful in the last few days is timing my breath. I hate staring at the clock, it makes me feel restless. So I got that great idea from YogaGuide and it works just fine. I use to breathe 17/min when I’m not too relaxed, nor too stressed out. So I’ve just been counting my breaths, when I want to know how long I’m holding a pose. It has another very beneficial side-effect. It makes you so much more aware of your breathing. So much more present. So much less distracted. Thank you.

I’ve been rambling along about yoga on this blog, because I seem to need a witness. It’s the”1984″ Orwell concept, that keeps me motivated. In a nice way. I need to share, I need to keep track of my little failures and successes. I need to commit publicly.

So, if any of you knows what’s the point with all my joints cracking and popping, please share. I think it’s a leftover from immobilization, but I don’t know. Anything to worry about?

And, last but least, I practiced Padmasana today and for the first time I realized it really has an impact on the quality of the meditative state. I usually sit in Half-Lotus or Virasana and my mind is all over the place. I don’t know if it has actually anything to do with the pose or was it a coincidence, but it was pretty silent inside my head today. I’ll do observational field research and keep you posted

It’s been a long day, I’ll go get some rest.

Namaste

It started with some nice yoga. But then things went quickly downhill. I’m translating an awful Indian movie (that’s what I do for a living at this point) and after hours and hours of work, my fingers grew tired and I accidentally hit some key (dunno which one of course) and then the “do you wish to save changes to your document?” - question appeared and then I hit “no”!!! Great! Go figure! I lost maybe 6 or 7 pages. And, you know, I totally lost my temper. First I cried on the balcony. Then I fought with my darling man (although he had absolutely no fault for this), then I stared at the ceiling some more. I thought I was going to throw up, just thinking of what I had to redo. I felt like the world’s most stupid and unconscious person.
Finally, I talked to one of my very best friends on ICQ. She told me how one night, after having written for hours on end on her graduation paper in psychology and being totally overworked, she did just what I had done and, well, she lost 30 pages. Of her diploma work, mind you. Not some stupid translation I can reproduce more or less the same. She lost 30 pages she had thought up all by herself. This is not reproducible, as you might understand.

Well, I stopped feeling awful immediately. There was worse. And she laughed about it. So I was not going to die out of my own stupidity. I must admit, I am tired, too. I translate mechanically. My brain didn’t fully realize what Windows was asking. Do I want to save changes to that document? Eh, what? But, you see, I hit “no”. In a state of complete unawareness, I chose “no”. That’s what I usually do in that state. Why should I want to change something? Yeah.

Conclusion #1: I should rethink my general attitude. Once again. Like, I absolutely haven’t done this 3000 times in the past 3 months.

Conclusion #2: Use the shortcuts. Ctrl+S would have saved me a lot of work.

Conclusion #3: It could always be worse. Really.

Conclusion #4: I should probably find something I enjoy more that translating Indian movies from 1970.

Conclusion #5: I have great friends. I am completely head over heels into them. They know just what to say, just when. Like, I didn’t blow up my hard-drive a day before I had to hand in my graduation paper (with no copy available). See? Nobody died. Not even then.

Conclusion #6: Breathe. Breathe. Keep breathing. Don’t scream. Don’t panic. Don’t hate anyone. Don’t cry. Don’t spoil the day. Just breathe. Start all over. Be patient. Be persistent. And get the work done in no time. For the second time, yeah. But still.

Originally, I wanted to write a Love Thursday post. I wanted to write one in weeks. But I’m definitely too tired. And I have half of the hysterical movie left for tomorrow. Have you ever seen one of those? No, it’s not even Bollywood. It’s like… totally normal to marry your cousin, after you grew up in a brothel and your mother was a prostitute and your father was wealthy, but his family wouldn’t tolerate such a disgrace. And they sing and dance. Half of the time.

I love yoga and many things that come from India. But jeez, spare me the movies.

Have a great day/night, y’all. I might be somewhat more coherent tomorrow.

And, yes, before i forget, I found and loved this.

… consider this at a broader level. When you are trying to take major action in your life, do you lead from the head or from the heart? Do you know how to connect to your heart (which is supported by your center) when making decisions? Or do you prefer to analyze and ruminate and plan with the “small” mind? Small mind loves to think and hates to do what actually matters. Small mind prefers to come up with reasons to wait until a better time to get started, or to do what pleases others instead of your centered self.

I’ll leave you with that. Think about it.

Balance in all areas of life is hard to achieve, but crucial. I have my Sun, Mars and Venus in Aries and my Ascendant in Leo. I’m no poster-girl for balance. More like, I’m a fire-spitting dragon lady. I’m extreme. There was a time when I used to love it. Not so much recently. And slowly the desire for change arose.

I’ve been experimenting a bit with asanas lately. I tried some I hadn’t tried before and I fell in love with the Tree Pose. It’s awesome. So graceful. I don’t really look graceful, but I feel that way. On the inside. Then there are poses I totally refuse to practice. Like Locust or Eagle. They leave me feeling all nervous and creepy, so I decided there is no need for that. But it is fascinating to witness how my routine evolves even within days. How it feels different every day. I wouldn’t say better or worse, just different. Unlike all the other times I started and gave up, this time I go to bed eager to get up and practice in the morning. I can hardly wait.

Now let’s get back to balance. Libra is the opposite of Aries. I have Saturn in Libra, weighting heavily on my inborn enthusiasm. When people are confronted with an important opposition in their horoscopes, usually they choose to identify with one side and externalize the other side of the opposing planets. I’m no different than people in general. I identify liberally with the planets in Aries (c’mon it’s my Sun, for God’s sake) and I tend to project all saturnal energies to the outside world in general. In that way I always have a good excuse for being a victim. I’m great with that. For me, it’s always a matter of circumstances. How could I possibly compete with Saturn, eh?

Balance is zero. It’s not on the “plus”, nor on the “minus” side of the scale. I’ve often been accused that I defend a philosphy of immobilty, thus a philosophy of death. For me, it’s different. Once you reach that point for a split second, you know that a whole new dimension opens up in front of you. There is a doorstep that you can’t see when off center. It’s the next level, so to speak.

Balance is the unity of opposites. Not their mutual annihilation, but a new entity, where the total is more than the sum of both addends. This is wrong by all means of mathematics or logic, but it is true in life. Beyond proof, unless you can catch a glimpse. You have to let both opposites dwell inside of you. Accept them as your own, nurture and unravel them. And then, slowly, the pendulum will stop swinging…

Vrksasana, I name thee.

Like, RPP My very own mantra. My new way of life. It is stunning how little needs to change in order to reveal a new horizon.

I had some insights lately, which made me feel in preschool. I’ve been reading books on spirituality since I was 13. There was a time, where I thought (yeah, keep thinking) I had nothing more to learn. There was a time of great pretension and self-deception. Things have changed. I have changed. I’m honest now, as much as I can bear.

And during all this time of spiritual searching, I never realized that I can’t possibly have inner peace without channelling my energies. For me, spiritual understanding and awareness had nothing to do with a well-mannered energy flow. How is this possible? I don’t know. It just never “clicked” inside my head. I guess I was probably too busy feeling pain and self-pity and liking it. I was probably too busy running against walls.

So, up until now I somehow hadn’t realized I have to guide the energies inside me consciously in order to accumulate life force (Chi, Kundalini or whatever they call it). I was basically living in total chaos. Hello? And it gets better. I hadn’t realized either that it is life force we need in order to develop spiritually. The can’t be no spiritual development when our energy level is low. Spirituality needs high energy levels. And high energy levels can be obtained when you tame the energies inside you and make them behave, instead of running wild like a herd of monkeys. A herd of monkeys makes a lot of noise. No wonder I couldn’t hear my own heart whispering inside the madhouse.

Great. Now that it’s clear, let’s get specific. How do you channel your energies? With physical exercise. Right. There is no other way. You have to incorporate the body in the process, you can’t leave it aside and ignore it. After all, the body is the vessel. You don’t know how many hours of martial arts, yoga, swimming and gymnastics I have behind me. I know. And I never even once realized what it was all about. I was doing it mechanically. I never understood it was something I could use to trigger tranquility and accumulate Chi. Almost every spiritual teaching involves a lot of physical exercise in some way. Exercise that leads to a growing consciousness. How is it possible this whole concept is new to me?
I feel like I’m inventing the wheel. Of course, I could plunge myself into a swamp of self-accusations, guilt and regrets. Like I would usually do. Not only does that waste my entire life energy, but it leads to absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. And maybe it’s not a bad thing that I’m 26. My body is still young and flexible, I can catch up a lot. I could be 46, just think about it. And even then, nothing is impossible.

RPP is what I need now. Rhythm. Persistence. Patience. I don’t have a a very good sense of rhythm. I need to cultivate that. I’m not very patient. I need to become. I’m not persistent either. I give up when first difficulties arise. But without that I will continue running in circles. Frustrated and unsatisfied. This is not something I want for myself. I need to grow slowly, but constantly, push the boundaries, but not run into them, I need to accept that there are things I cannot understand yet, because I am not ready to live them. I need to accept that the readiness grows with the life force we have. I need to pay more attention. See the dogs and the flowers. Hear the birds. I need to breathe. I need to exercise. I don’t need to read that much anymore. But dare more. Explore more. Stand up for myself. Be strong. Be centered. The practice is in the process.

Rhythm. Persistence. Patience.

So be it.

A miracle happened today.

A heavy rain fell on my way home from psychodrama. Now it’s quiet outside and for the first time in a long time it’s really quiet inside me, too. It all feels clean and fresh, and calm. I have some insights to share, but let’s first talk about the masks.

Masks are essential to me. When I was about three years old I found out it would hurt me, when I was wearing no mask to present the outside world. Strangely, at that age I was vividly aware of the existence of and inside and outside world and I was eager to protect what was inside me - for nobody to be able to see or touch it, or do it any harm. Inside I felt warm and alive, but since I felt like being punished for being warm and alive, I had to put that mask of estrangement on. I was a child too loud, too energetic - things I learned to keep inside me and only let loose when alone and unwatched.

Later the meaning of masks shifted for me slightly. Now I had to use them not only to cover the “inside”, but to live up to certain expectations, please the grown-ups, make them see and believe what they wanted to see and believe. At first I was very aware for the need to wear a mask in order to protect my inner sanctuary. Later, I lost that sanctuary and the mask remained only a thing to prove the outside world I was being a good girl, a smart girl, a whatever-they-asked-me-to-be girl. I would bring out the right mask corresponding to whatever the other person wanted to see and then pretend to be just that. It served my need to be left alone, but more importantly, it served my desire to please and gain the approval of authorities or what seemed to be authorities according to my point of view. Which seemed to be almost everyone, no matter what age, gender, no matter our familiar or other relationship. I was so eager to be a girl of no fault that in the constant change of roles I forgot who I really was.

It took me a long time to see, admit and accept it. I was like a very old house with a beautiful newly-painted facade and rotten stairs inside, all dusty, dark and repulsive. For me, it was crucial to keep that facade up, to paint and decorate it, but never let anyone take a peek into the shining windows. Just not show the chaos and mess, which reigned inside. Of course, this made me really lonely and unsociable, which I realized rather late, because the facade had succeeded to deceive me the same way I had deceived others during all my life. Frankenstein had taken over.

Now I know the pink facade is not what I am. And I refuse to identify myself with it anymore. The outside must match the inside. Otherwise there’s aboslutely no use for it. Now I have been trying slowly to arrange a meeting for both sides of me, make them sit down and cooperate. Which they wouldn’t. Not deliberately. The inside was frightened and whiny to have to make an effort, the facade was angry to be robbed of it’s influence over other human beings and situations. I had a hard time restraining Frankenstein from running wild. I felt unhappy and torn, like a split personality. I got out of balance.

I realize I have been out of touch with my inner silence for quite a while. No silence, only voices. Now, what happened today was truly stunning. I got those voices out of my head and impersonated by someone. I let them speak their mind, I heard them out and I made clear this situation no longer works for me. In the beginning of the session I was riding on a train with an unknown driver, I did not clearly see where I was going, nor did the driver know where he was taking me. He just followed the tracks. And I had a huge overseas trunk full of all unnecessary stuff, like mistaken guilt and responsibility and I was even bringing my parents along, or rather their expectations. Now, this was the hard part. I dismissed the driver and sat there intending to freakin’ drive that train somewhere. But no, the voices. My luggage. Was. TALKING. It started to drive me crazy and I felt really helpless about it. There I was clashing over and over again in a vicious circle with the expectations of the outside world. They stood in front of me, blocking my sight. There was no human force I could use to move them out of the way. I had given them power over my true self and now they wouldn’t allow to be dethroned. Someone had to help. The role of the mirror (the person who played me, my alter ego) was given free for doubling.

This is when the miracle happened. The girl, who played me, sat in the Lotus Pose and told the expectations she was going to stop the train and not move on step back or forward as long as they were standing there babbling. Which she did. She nailed that train on the tracks and sat there. And meditated! Completely firm. No doubts, no shaking, no fear of judgement. She didn’t care. She could sit there for eternity. ‘Cause there it was, her inner peace, her inner silence. She would only drive that train with a clear view and if she had none, well, she would sit. And wait. And meditate. At this point, the expectations went hysterical. Noone would give a damn about them. Noone would bother to listen. And, more frightengly, the train would not move. She (me) wouldn’t move an inch. No direction, no speed, no achievements could lure her out of her quietness. Everything else was worth nothing, unless she was the one to decide where she wanted to go and when, and how. Unless I was the one, actually.

This was victory, my friends. This was relief. This was mar adentro, the sea inside me. I did not need to travel to find the ocean of silence and peace. I had it right there, inside me. It was mine. Noone could take it from me, unless I would give up on it. Which I won’t do. Ever. Again.

I give a vow to myself. I’ll be true. End of story.

(more sunday scribblings here)

… I cannot tell how grateful I am to all my friends, who were there to support and comfort me, to push me through the crisis and meet me on the other side. There are no words for this. Only Namaste.

It was pouring yesterday. Cats and dogs. Ducks and drakes, as the dictionary puts it, but I don’t trust that dictionary a lot. In fact, I trust google much more and yeah, google states it a few times, but not too often. Anyway.

I was being way too late for an appointment, but ours is a horrible city to live in (as much as I love it), all-day-traffic-jam and all and with the torrential rain coming down and little rivers forming everywhere, there was not one single free cab anywhere to be seen. In around 20 minutes. And I was late the second I set foot on the street already. There was another girl desperately waiting for a cab, probably younger than me and when that long-awaited yellow car finally showed up, we decided to share it. First drop her off, then me.

We sat there, all soaking wet and she started telling me about her wedding-day two years ago. We had this horrible rain-without-end-summer back then and she wanted to marry on a meadow, with daisies along the aisle and an arch of flowers. They expected 120 guests from all over the country and everything was minutely planned, when it started raining. The water came down all over the place, highways were blocked due to no visibility and lots of accidents. So finally she had to marry in the restaurant and the best man arrived 2 minutes before the ceremony and half of the guests arrived way after midnight. But they had a great party nonetheless, because she had really let go of all her expectations and ideas and just accepted the circumstances as they were. And now she has this memory of her spoiled wedding and the wonderful party afterwards and all. And a story she can tell strangers in cabs. And a beautiful smile.

I finally started my yoga routine. Today. I moved slowly, not forcing my body to do things “right”, but rather trying to feel out its boundaries and resistances. I really suffered through one of my favourite poses, the Plow Pose and could do the Seated Forward Bend only halfway to my knees. I couldn’t stretch my knees in the Downward-Facing Dog Pose, nor hold the Cobra for longer than 10 seconds. Yeah, it’s a bit of a “failure” according to my standards. I used to perform all these and many more without any difficulties. But I still feel great about it!

I had this talk with a friend of mine several days ago. I was telling him how i start some routine and then break it for a day and then never go back to it again. And he told me I was probably making a mistake in starting out too fast and furious. In this way I spill my initial energy very fast and when I take a break even for a day, I have no energy for the re-start. So, I’ll take my time this time. I won’t push too hard. Just a bit. But a very tiny little bit.

I met a friend of mine today. She was crying and overworked and a bit of a mess. It felt so good to soothe her pain, I knew instinctively the right things to say and to do. It is always so easy with others… never that easy with myself. But basically, I have the tools. Though I’m often enough reluctant to use them on myself. This is why I am getting a psychodrama session tomorrow. The therapist is one of my very best friends. Scared as hell, that’s what I am. But maybe soon I can share some insights on… whatever. They’re all welcome.