… and lots of things happened in the meantime.
I’ve been longing for a cigarette and some sweets for days. And a break, even if it’s a short one. It’s been too much, although mostly all of it was good.
I started visiting Baguazhang classes. As for now, it’s mostly relaxation/meditation training and some tai chi. I need this very much, as an addition to yoga practice at home. Actually, it’s a martial art, but it’s an “internal” one, you learn to control the energy flow, you become aware of your body, you clear and develop your intuition. It certainly feels good, although I can’t co-ordinate my arms/legs movements and it must look kinda stiff. But, as someone put it, “do it, as if you were going to do it every day for the rest of your life… devote yourself“.
I may never have mentioned that here before that I am writing poetry. So last Sunday was the premiere of my first poetry book. It was a great event. All my family and friends were there and I really felt I had the power to move them, make them cry, make them smile through my words. And, I was really overwhelmingly beautiful. I know, it’s impertinent to say, but I don’t regret it. I want to stress out how very important it is to love yourself (kind of a new understanding I’ve gained not very long ago). All love begins within you. It accumulates within you and when you are satiated, you can start spreading it. Then, it’s gonna cost you nothing, you can give it for free, you can let it flow, whithout keeping track where it goes. Inevitably, someone’s gonna love you back then. I meet so many people who don’t know how to love themselves. This is why they can’t help themselves and noone else can, either. They are trapped within their own doubts and fears and guilt.
Imagine, you really love someone. What would you do? When he needs rest, you would give him a place to rest. When he needs to be cared for, you would care for him. When he needs some space, you would allow him space. When he is wrong, we forgive. We don’t expect him to be perfect. We accept him the way he is. We love his imperfections just as much. So? Why don’t we treat ourselves as if we were someone we really loved…?
So I was glorious and beautiful and I’m not ashamed to say so. I was seeing all those eyes in the audience, who smiled at me and loved me back. And I was overflowing… I felt like the woman that I am, young and gorgeous in this little black dress and the black doll shoes. It was a true triumph. Hehe, my wrist still hurts from writing so many autographs.
But, let’s come back to normal. Too much of this isn’t any good either. Too much euphoria is just as exhausting as too much depression. Balance is needed. So I had my day and life took me over again with all its responsibilities and unsolved questions. But I had a big breakthrough. I told my parents about that psychodrama and I got a great reaction and feedback. Something I had never hoped for. Not only did they understand, they were supportive. And, I finally took that decision. Well, not really. The decision took itself alone. It just showed up one morning, smiling and telling me hi, I’m your right decision. Yeah, I felt so very much at peace all of a sudden. Of course, it means I am going to disappoint some people and on the other had, make other people happy. But it’s my very own decision, I don’t owe anything to anyone, not even an explanation. I’m going to give that explanation, but only out of courtesy. Nothing more, nothing less.
Umh. I’m going to be a pediatrician. After two years of studying anaesthesiology, I’m returning to my first love - pediatrics. I don’t think I wasted my time. I learned a lot. I digressed. I fought my inner voice. And then, I let it rest and accepted whatever came. With a bow.
That’s it folks, in a nutshell. I’ll eventually write more over the days to come.
Namaste.
