Codependency or “Family interrupted”

You might have noticed that little remark about my absolutely idiotic cousin and my schizophrenic grandmother. Well, he is. But I rarely see him, so I don’t bother. And she is. She believes our baby turtles transform into human beings at night. Like, our very own TMNT. Right. Thank you, Great God of Medicine, for psychopharmaceuticals.

But that’s not what I want to write about. Just in case anyone wondered what happened to my well-behaved-deeply-spiritual Alter ego – it’s temporarily on vacation.

Codependency is hard stuff. I don’t even know where to start. There are zillions of sites and blogs on the Internet, explaining and exploring the changes our psyche suffers, when confronted with trauma and addiction. I use the word “psyche” intentionally, since it’s a more holistic concept to what the dictionary offers – mentality and mind. To me, psychology is all about the holistic concept of mind, spirit and body united.

How did I stumble upon the idea of codependency as an issue, which might concern me?

At the Room of Mama’s Own I met MPJ and I was immediately struck by her honesty and courage to face what is a life full of trauma. I’m not ready to share, but there is more than one point of contact between the two of us. So I felt familiar grounds. (Uh oh, does this sound mysterious. But it shouldn’t. I still haven’t figured out how to protect my loved ones from the eyes of malevolent readers. Information is power to control. Controlling behaviour is a part of the whole codependency thing. On the other hand… no, I’ll leave the secrets and taboos for another post.)

There, at MPJ’s, I met The Junky’s Wife. She’s smart, but even more than that, she’s straightforward.

you [addicts] see something beautiful, and you can’t help but destroy it.
(the junky’s wife)

Where it struck me. I have lived with that behaviour and endured it all my life. I know this person. The person who tortures whom he loves. It’s the burden of a Pluto-Moon-Venus conjunct, all within 2° of each other. It’s Pluto who loves with passion and destroys out of… fear? Venus as in womanhood. Moon as in emotions. Whatever. That’s a whole other post, too.

That’s what addicts do. Love and kill.

I was thinking I had closed that chapter of my life a long time ago. Only to find I haven’t. Why else would I still be obsessively controlling and caretaking, hypervigilant and perfectionist? I just didn’t make the connection. I still don’t understand completely, but I can’t seem to escape. There’s this point I stumble upon once in a while. It’s the control issue:

Control Patterns:

• I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

• I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think and how they “truly” feel.

• I become resentful when others will not let me help them.

• I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.

• I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.

• I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.

• I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.

That’s 6/7. Whatever I do, I come upon this. Of course, I have achieved a certain state of self-awareness and therefore it hurts even more to run in circles. My mum (we share the same family after all) acts exactly the same and I am ever so often put off by her behaviour.

Maybe the next step of growing up is giving in to this, accepting it, working with it. Maybe some day I will come to the point, where I can forgive. My darling man suffers a lot. He brings me orange neon markers or the wrong brand of ice cream and although he’s gentle and means to help, all he gets is a minor meltdown. This has been worse in previous years, but despite my attempts to control it on the outside, the tension on the inside is eating me alive.

And every once in a while I stumble over my own grief and resentement and deep inside I know I haven’t forgiven… yet. I’m on the inner side of the circle, still.