Relaxation

Much has changed since April, 29th but in matters of relaxation I have not moved much forward. As time goes by, I re-play Penelope’s post in my mind. What can you soften? I ask myself several times a day. I’m stiff and tense, it’s my jaw, shoulders, neck, fingers, knees and ankles hurting. But hey, I’m so used to that, I hardly notice. Sometimes, during yoga sessions, I feel myself soften, sink into the posture, give in to it. It happens when I’m particularly patient, not forcing anything, just going to the point where it starts being painful and then pulling back a bit. It happens when I don’t forget to breathe deep regular breaths. It happens in those tiny little moments, when the chattering mind subsides. Briefly. And then I go back to normal, where “normal” is defined as being Threepio’s stepsister.

Lately, I’ve only started to uncover the roots of this awkwardness. It has much to do with fear. Fear to let go, fear to accept who I really am, fear to uncover my face, hidden behind the mask. I know it seems like I’m running in circles. Understanding things, parts of things, but not going deeper, not allowing them to grab hold of me, not seeing through with them. Maybe it’s not a wrong thing to do. Get closer, get a glimpse, get a taste and draw back to process. Sometimes we are not ready to deal with the whole issue at once. We have to take it slow, step by step, bit by bit, each time getting closer and closer. Even if it might seem we’re running in circles. I think it is better to be truly prepared to fight the dragon, than run into the cave in a mindless bout of boldness and fail. Once you fail big time, recovery is hard. So I prefer failing small over and over again, but getting stronger each time, gathering my own experience, developing my own approach.

I’m starting bagua training again. Relaxation is essential for all Internal Arts. So basically what you do in the beginning, is to stand upright, trying to relax every single joint and muscle in your body, even those you never even knew existed. Now, my experience shows I’m inclined to panic. It’s real, visceral panic coming up from somewhere underneath my bellybutton, sweeping over me in waves. That’s the point where I lose it completely. Every. Single. Time. I can’t stand through this. I can’t face my worst nightmares coming up from where I’ve banished them when I was not ready to handle them consciously. But maybe I can. Maybe I need to get back on that mat time and time again. Maybe I need to stand in that training hall time and time again. Maybe I need to fail small, but grow strong bit by bit. We are all inclined to haste, because we want idle pleasures with minimum effort. Which, I fear, is not the way it goes. It’s a misunderstanding, proven wrong by hundreds of years of human development but we keep trying nevertheless. We keep hoping we might fool the Universal Laws, catch the moment when God is looking away and slip through the door left ajar. I’ve given up on trying to take God by surprise. Who do I think I am, anyway? Why would I make an exception to the rules?

So, lately I’ve been thinking, I may be ready to take the first step and become humble. Maybe I can accept that this is going to take hard work and a long time. Maybe even there is no need to speed things up, but just prepare to give it a new try every other day. What can I soften? Any suggestions?