tides and seasons of my secret life

I’m officially cheating, since I joined the NaBloPoMo and I’ll be dating this post back to November, 6th. Just couldn’t make it yesterday. Sometimes you have to help someone and actually this is you helping yourself in a way. But I’ll explain later. I worked the night before (no catastrophes, phew :)) and slept through most of the day, so I just couldn’t squeeze in any coherent thoughts.

Today’s broadcast is powered by Gartenfische. She commented on Happy Endings and what I have to say about it deserves it’s own space.

I did this too, long ago–following the wrong path because it was enticing and I just wanted to do it. I can’t say I regret it, but I’m glad I ended it when I did and moved on.

To me, it’s not a matter of right or wrong. It’s a matter of choice. It’s not blindly following my desire, but a fully conscious choice to follow my heart. I knew it was going to hurt me, because there was no way he would love me back. But he had something to give, something that was important for me to have, and I went for it. Chances are rare and one has to take them, ’cause only by truly living one does grow. To me, this was revolutionary. Give up all control, give up all thoughts of Forever and For always. Just be there, while it lasts. No plans or presumptions, just tiny little moments of complete, utter, fulfilled love. It was a lesson of letting go, while it still lasted. It was Here and Now and therefore mindblowingly intense. It blows your mind. The mind becomes completely still and blacks out. It stops interfering with its endless chatter. You are, finally, free. (Well, not completely free, of course, but this is a huge step in the right direction.)

And thank you, love, for understanding me so completely, for never judging me, for accepting me as I was, for giving me a safe place to learn to be different, a safe place where right and wrong, good and bad didn’t matter at all. Thank you, love, for listening. Thank you for allowing me to open up and soften. Thank you for witnessing a transformation process and helping me to see through with it. Thank you for never lying to me about your feelings, your thoughts, about what was possible to happen and what was not. Thank you for giving me freedom. Thank you for teaching me, solely by being present, what it means to be present.

So, this was not a Right or Wrong thing. This was a choice. A very deeply deeply transforming one. And one has to pay for the choices one makes. Regret is far more expensive than pain. Letting chances pass you by is unforgivable. We get tiny little chances every day, but the huge ones only come by once in a while, if we’re ready. And backing off because of fear, well, that may be a wrong thing to do.

I’ve studied astrology. I know there are doors that present themselves every now and then. Short moments in time, where everything is possible. Doors that don’t stay open all the time. There is a strong urge to pass that threshold and if you don’t go with the momentum, if you let yourself being wrapped up in fear and mental ideas of what would be nice to happen, instead of what is possible to happen, that energy dissipates and the door closes. It opens, again, later, just to see if you have grown enough to be ready, but… we don’t have time to waste, do we? Life is governed by cycles and some cycles take 12 or even more years to be accomplished and honestly, who can wait 12 more years for this little glimpse of freedom? I surely can’t.

So now what I’m left with is a new “me”, a richer “me”, who knows what it means to be true to the intentions of the heart. It’s a new strength, a new confidence, it’s a new “definition” of love and freedom and what life is worth to be lived for. I’m not that closed up control-freak anymore. Sure, it’s a long way to go, but the direction is right.

To me, it was a warrior’s path to tread on. Choose what you will do and do it, as if it was the last thing you would do in life. Don’t hold anything back, go consciously towards the experience of death (of life as you knew it). Dare. And what remains whole after everything else breaks down in pieces, well, that’s what’s worth it. It’s a cleansing process, freeing yourself of all the superfluous wishful thinking, of all presumptions how you would like things to turn out, freeing yourself of all desire to control how things turn out. Just giving in to the pure experience and being humbled by it. ‘Cause it sure is greater than anything you would have imagined…

°°°

Last night I worked with the horoscope of a dear friend of mine. He’s standing there where I was several months ago. He’s in pain, he’s wrapped up in a rational fear he might do the wrong thing, he knows what lies ahead and he’s afraid to bear the consequences. But in the same time, he knows in his guts, this is the only right way to go. This is what will make him a different, a better person. I have so much compassion for him, since I know exactly where he’s standing. And while working with him, I finally came clear. No, I don’t regret my choice. I love my choice. I love my new “me” and I would have never forgiven myself, if I had let this cup pass me by. I so wish for him that he would gather all his strength and allow himself to live the road that lies ahead. The road’s name is Change. You’re not the same person afterwards, so there is no sense in holding anything back. It won’t be of use, anyway.

Love changes everything…