tides and seasons of my secret life

… this week I thought I might be pregnant. Maybe it was more of a wish. I was feeling a little pukey and hungry all the time, and I wouldn’t mind eating meatballs and chocolate for dinner, so I put 2 and 2 together and hoped. I’m not the kind of girl who thinks she’s pregnant every month. Actually I only figured that once before, when I was traveling a lot and my cycle was all messed up. I had just started pediatrics training and I fainted early one morning during rounds, so everybody just started joking, hey, are you pregnant? And God, how I wished I was…

I’ve been following Julia’s blog for about an year now. She went from having 12 miscarriages to being pregnant with twins. Stacie’s had some rough times, too, but there she is in her little black dress, 19 glorious weeks pregnant. Then, there is Superhero Andrea who had just had her gorgeous, I tell you, son Ben when I started visiting her place regularly. Ben has grown into full blown amazing cuteness. On it goes, this list of women, getting pregnant, having babies all around my real and virtual world. Babies becoming toddlers becoming children, going off to school and yeah, inevitably growing into little conscious human beings.

I’ve had this deep longing to become a mother, since I was, say, 5 years old? My mum had my brothers when I was 4 and 6, respectively. I spent years changing diapers, watching them trip, picking them up, putting them to to sleep, teaching them to read and write, and even German. Why I got to do all this at the tender age of 6 or 8, or even 10, that’s a whole other story. But I’ve got training, you see. Maybe that’s why I picked pediatrics at the end. Every now and then I get to hear than being a pediatrician is a lot like being a vet, since they are all small and whiny, and they can’t really tell you what’s wrong with them. Well, I personally don’t need many words. Right now we have this baby at the clinic, he’s the child of a drug-dependent mum and he was a bit restless last night. Everyone’s thinking withdrawal symptoms, but I picked him up and massaged his belly and he instantly became quiet. So no withdrawal I guess, just a colicky baby. I fed him some formula and rocked him some more and he fell asleep on my chest, and slept for hours on end in his crib afterwards.

All those babies around are driving me hormone-mad-crazy. I imagine myself being pregnant and know this is going to be a blissful time. I have this thing for rounding bellies, there couldn’t possibly be anything more beautiful than womanhood fulfilled, growing and nourishing another perfect human being inside your own body.

Moral of the story: Girl, you need to get on that project. Real soon.

Maternity Bliss, Mixed Media by Kelly Rae Roberts