tides and seasons of my secret life

Okay, I stole that idea from Mary, but since she stole it from someone else… I think that’s actually called sharing And that’s what we do around here, no?

So, Sweetpea,

Let’s start out by saying you’re half as old as I am now, or maybe I am twice as old now as you are. But that’s just the digits. You feel old already? Oh, just wait until you’re my age. Basically, you’ll be disappointed to hear that life just doesn’t get any easier. On the other hand, I need to stress out (what may sound like unsolicited advice, but you haven’t quite reached that rebel stage yet, so hold your breath and listen) - easy does not necessarily mean good. You need to learn about quality.

I know you are dying to hear that this business called “Life” is going to turn out just fabulously carefree and wonderfully harmonious. (Although I don’t really understand how you expect this to happen, from where you stand right now. But you kinda still believe in fairy-tales.) Well, it’s not. I won’t spill the beans though, ’cause I am afraid you might decide not to pull through with it and then in some other parallel reality I might just turn out not to be existing by the age of 26. And, this might console you, I very much like existing.

In case you’re up for some more of unsolicited advice, let me tell you. That God-thing you’ve started peering into, keep that up. In some way or another, this is going to be the light at the end of the tunnel of your darkest hours.

I also know you’re craving some good news, so I’ll give you that. Later rather than sooner you’ll find yourself loving your parents. And you’ll find them loving you back. But mind you, this is going to be a long ride and you’ll need all the patience and faith you can muster. Also, in 7 years time you’ll fall in love truly, madly, deeply and there’s nothing you won’t do for that man, which you’ll find yourself sharing a life with in another 6 years time.

Against all odds

I love you
against weather and climate,
against all rules of
gravity and distance,
centrifugal force and human logic.

I thirst for you
against my far better knowledge
of life’s outcome
and it seems now I’ve lost all my
instincts of self-preservation.

I stand
against nature and history
ready to live or die
or set a precedent:
no one has ever loved you before

and no one will.
But I.

And eventually, you will. In the meantime, there will be a woman or two (don’t you blush on me with disgust, young lady) and also another guy who’ll make your world spin counter-clockwise, but brace yourself, it will be as short as it will be delicious.

But babe, even now I’m double your age I find myself doing lots of things I don’t really like. And there are lots of things about myself I don’t like at all. So keep down that self righteous attitude. You’ll find out to be no better than the people you despise. And you’ll find out that’s not such a bad thing after all. Because if I can give you any sensible advice at all, it would be those wise words by Thich Nhat Hanh (you’ll find out who that is soon enough)

Until we have become that which we are demonstrating against, we will have made no progress.

I know it won’t work for you yet, but you might consider being less of a pathological liar. It is a form of self-defense, but you’ll have to learn the hard way that honesty always is the better path to choose. It spares you the need to confess and long for redemption, later on. Also, it might spare you some couple hundred bucks worth of therapy and public embarrassment. Those lies, they always turn against you.

I also do know you’re already are as much of a codie as I’ll ever be, but let me tell you, people will always love you more for who you are than for whom you pretend to be. And pretending to be who/what you aren’t is lying, mind you. You don’t need to be fragile or ill (in case it occurs to you as a good idea) to be loved and soon enough everybody will be sick of it. Most of all you. But by the time you realize this, playing the drama-queen will have developed into an addiction of its own. (Remember the money you’ll need for therapy.) So please, if there is any road around it, take it. You won’t be sorry for listening.

And I won’t mind at all if in some parallel reality you turn out to be a better person than I am now.

Just in case you feel lonely, helpless and abandoned (c’mon you do), please know that I know what you’re going through and I have compassion for how hard and painful that’s on you. This is to say that all mistakes are forgiven.

Now let me hug you like no one ever has and just keep going, will ya?

Love,

BigSis (the one you were not supposed to have)

P.S. And, oh, babe, before I forget. By the time you are me, you will be slim and gorgeous, one way or another. Stop throwing up, start doing yoga. It will do your stomach some good. But it won’t stop our mum from going all Jeez, how skinny you’ve become! In some ways she’ll never change, you know.