I seem to have a sincere and honest aversion towards Christmas. Not in the religious sense, of course, but my experience of Christmas never (not even once) matched what it’s apparently supposed to be. And maybe year after year, and layer after layer of disappointment added up to what I call my “Christmas depression”.
Our sweet dysfunctional family didn’t even manage to play happy like others do. It’s always been just an outright torture to be out of school and no place to hide. When Wyrdbyrd tagged me with a Christmas meme a few days ago, I just couldn’t help thinking WTF? 
My mind goes blank on that one. So thank you, sweetie, but this just isn’t going to work.
Yesterday I talked to the shrink about how sad I feel around this time of year. I just can’t seem to think of a reason why to be happy. But I also realized, this is in my choice now. I’m grown up and I can let those memories haunt me, but I can also choose to look at this and change. Today I discussed with The Darling Man (he’s had similar Christmas experiences during the last years) what we want for Christmas and I told him I wanted the tree and the decoration, and the food, and just being together. I want to change the pattern. So now I’ll start to research some recipes (watch me, I’ve never even touched the stove for something else than brewing coffee ;)) and buy some decoration, and I’ll try to get into the mood for this. I have an aversion towards the cooking and the baking, too, ’cause my mum always made such a big deal out of it and ended up screaming and slamming doors because she felt we weren’t enough involved and no one was helping her out during those long kitchen hours. But now I realize it’s a way to show your love and care. So I might just as well give it a try and be wifely and homely. Let’s see how that goes. I’ll keep you updated.
5 responses so far ↓
donutszenmom // December 16, 2007 at 7:14 pm
I was haunted for years (and perhaps still am, a bit) by my Mom’s holiday Hallmark expectations and resulting disappointments. Every holiday, every year. Argh.
You’re on the right track, though. Forget about whatever the “usual” measures of holiday “correctness” are and just navigate by whether you feel warm and supported.
One Easter, my daughter and I (I was a single Mom) had guacamole and pineapple and marshmallows for dinner. Her menu. She was so happy to get to plan the event. It was the best Easter ever.
Maddy // December 16, 2007 at 8:50 pm
Likewise. It’s only when I admitted ‘defeat’ as in, we can’t do this like everyone else, that we sorted out our own pathway - very low key.
Best wishes
Mary (MPJ) // December 16, 2007 at 9:25 pm
My husband and I were in bed crying last Christmas Eve. And we realized that Christmas is so hyped, there’s so much mythology, so much fantasy, that the best one can even hope for is to meet expectations — and just meeting expectations is impossible. So Christmas is always going to be something of a disappointment. We felt better when we reset our outlook.
Sarah // December 16, 2007 at 11:57 pm
Wow, can I relate! But you know, you’re right, we’re adults now and can break the pattern if we so choose. It’ll be a battle to go against the flow of what we were taught when we were young, and to keep our decision to change at the forefront of our minds. But, you know, I have this deep intuitive feeling that it’ll all be worth it in the end.
You ARE a warrior. Keep your chin up, hon.
(p.s. You know, Tollhouse makes cookie dough pre-prepared so all you have to do is plop those yummy cookies on a baking pan and turn on the oven. *as you can see, I’m not much of a cook either, but I can sure brew a good cup-o’ joe)
*hugs*
gartenfische // December 19, 2007 at 10:49 am
Sorry about the meme.
Since you did mention that you didn’t like this time of year, I should’ve guessed you wouldn’t want to meme about it.
Yeah, make it your own thing. It doesn’t have to be about your childhood now. Have fun with the baking and decorating!
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