After an arduous and frustrating psychodrama session yesterday and a loooong talk with my BFF (who is a therapist) today, I suddenly realized that it is not control issues that I’m having, it’s trust issues. Which is a whole other thing altogether. Although I do know the two are interrelated and probably the two sides of one and the same coin, still, to me it’s a huge difference in terms of coping with stuff.
Until now, I always tried to tame the control freak inside of me, to suppress the urge to always be on top of things and I never really understood where this is coming from, I just figured it’s a part of me I need to fight. Well, now I know it’s not just a pointless trait of character, more so one I find unpleasant at best. It’s my way of coping with the insecure and frightening/threatening “place” life obviously is to me. I now know why.
Yesterday, I replayed scenes from my childhood and suddenly anxiety and fear crept up, almost paralyzing me. And I realized this is a state I have lived in for almost 20 years. I’m (kinda) over it now, but it has left its’ imprint on a far deeper level than I am willing to admit. This fear to be wiped out, annihilated on a most visceral level. As a kid, there is only so much you can do. Close your eyes, build your walls, take it one breath at a time. But now I know I lived (quite undeniably so 
). Nobody died. I’m all grown up and a parent myself. And I owe it to my daughter to face my demons and get on with my life, as whole as one can get under the circumstances.
So yeah. It’s not really about control. The urge to control everyone and everything and the frustration, coming from the realization that this is an impossible task, is just a symptom. The effect. But it’s caused by my general lack of trust, caused in its’ own turn by whatever crap it was that happened to me a looong time ago.
So that’s that. A fresh start, a different starting point. Just when I felt so stuck that I kept thinking there is no way out, I have to live with this for the rest of my life.
Well, maybe there is. And maybe I don’t.
