So this is how it all went down in the meantime.

December: Nausea. Lemon-Mint-Tea. More of the nausea. Told my parents I was pregnant. Mum freaked. Daddy happy.

January: Baby had a heartbeat at 7 weeks. I had a sinus infection. No real meds, just decongestants. Are decongestants safe during pregnancy? Noone really knows. I did my research and decided to go ahead. I’ve seen sinus infections break through the orbit. No, thanks. I canceled the shrink appointments. There’s no money for that in the family budget. The shrink is a nice guy, but he doesn’t talk back. He just sits and listens. I grow tired of talking all the crap over I already know. I need some insight. Otherwise this whole thing is useless. Besides, now that I’m pregnant, everything seems to be just fine.

February: Despite fearing the contrary (what about missed abortions?), baby’s fine and growing at 12 weeks. No NT scan. Laptop died. COD irreversible. Dad freaked (company laptop). I lost about 1/3 of a fully translated book on children’s psychology. Mum freaked (gonna miss her publishing deadline). I freaked. Redid the translation.

March: We packed. We moved. We scrubbed floors and dusted and unpacked. We settled down. I started going to work again. I didn’t immediately catch some virus (yay immune system!). 16-week appointment was all fine.

18-week fetal morphology: It’s a girl. All is fine. Except the hyperechogenic bowel. And a bit of pyelectasia. Which is physiological. Does it mean something? Probably nothing. What about the NT scan? Didn’t have that. Why not? I’m easily disturbed by medical interventions. I’m 27 years old and reasonably healthy. I wanted to spare myself the stress. Hmph. What about the Triple test? Same reasons. Okay, I want you to get re-checked by Dr. Prenatal-Screening-Majesty. Is there something to worry about? Probably not…

Went home. Googled “hyperechogenic bowel + pyelectasia“. Came up with Down’s Syndrome. The Darling Man currently touring Italy on a business trip. Decided not to bother him.

Next day. Geneticist’s office. Head of department (colleague of mine), screaming: Why didn’t you have that Triple test done? Me, nearly freaking, see above. I had my medical degree in Germany. They only recommend it for women over 35 years of age. Your OB is completely irresponsible and so are you. This test is obligatory for every pregnant woman! It’s not diagnostic. It’s a screening test. With a very high rate of false positives. Go get that double test done! Are you out of your mind? With all the possibilities that modern medicine has to offer? Do you live in a cave? [...]

Had the Double test done. Made an appointment with Dr. Prenatal-Screening-Majesty for the afternoon. Called The DM in Italy: Listen, our baby’s probably having Down Syndrome. I’m gonna have her anyway. You won’t wanna live with us. It’s okay. We’ll manage on our own. I’ll probably have that amnio. DM: Are you out of your mind? I can’t even leave you for a week, without you going completely crazy. You are not going to stick needles into my baby. Crazy woman.

Appointment with Her Majesty: Umh, I don’t see anything disturbing. Maybe there is a small spot of hyperechogenic bowel. Seems insignificant to me. But she has clinodactyly on the small finger of her left hand. Colleague’s ultrasound probably has no Ob/Gyn software. Wait for those results and come back to see me.

Jesus, lady, my baby has a crooked little finger. It’s not as if she had no brain. I’m not going back. Definitely.

The DM comes back from Italy for my birthday. Thinks I’m gone completely nuts.

Baby’s starting to kick me. I can’t get enough of it. Feels great.

April: We pick up those results from the Double test. They told me not to call or come look for them until Thursaday afternoon. They printed those results on Monday morning. Thank you for 3 days in hell.

My personal risk of having a baby with Down’s Syndrome is 1:2853. The DM would like to smack me. Lucky me. I’m pregnant.

No more f*cking tests. Doctors are weird.

Baby’s called Little Lettuce. Don’t ask.

Sinus infection. See above.

May: The DM’s twins (girls, 13) arrive for a sleepover. They have runny noses. Two days later I wake up with another sinus infection. Can’t breathe. Shit. Take leave of absence from hospital. Lie to my mum about having hay fever.

Regular appointment. At 24w4d she’s 26 cm long and weighing 550 g. She’s measuring one week behind. I freak. I start eating proteins like a crazy woman. I get heart-burn. I start sleeping in a semi-upright position. I read up on babies who are behind schedule. The DM thinks I’m going nuts again. I desperately want this baby to be average and fit the statistics. Other babies weigh almost 1000 g at 26 weeks. [WTF?!]

So that’s that for now. Hope to be back. Someone still out there?

White Magnetic World-Bridger

That’s me according to Mayan Astrology.  Just an excerpt.

In this life-time you are being asked to release and surrender. Surrender is the opposite of giving up. It is freeing yourself from the desire to be in control, letting go of how you think things should be. Surrender is freedom. You are being invited to release yourself from the bondage of preconceived action, to let everything be all right as it is, so that you can live a more inspired life in the moment!

You are being asked to take action in the process of surrender and release. You are requested to die a symbolic death, to surrender your limiting beliefs. Symbolic death unveils the self by cutting away the outgrown parts of yourself that no longer serve you. In such death, ego structures fall away to reveal the garden of the true self. Look for new ways of being, new people, new ideas, and new directions that will move into the vacuum created through surrender and release. Like yeast, surrender enlivens and empowers you to experience more of life’s fullness.

Holding on to past patterns and grievances only limits the possibilities. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Let go. Surrender whatever limits you. Face whatever you are resisting. In the experience of any loss, it is never too late to complete. Through your willingness to walk in the dark forest, insights and revelations will naturally emerge.

Yeah, who would have thought that 

Get you own reading here.

Apart from the obvious. Can anyone tell me why I’ve been obsessively reading every word on miscarriage, stillbirth and any other possible pregnancy disaster ever published out here on the Internet? It’s like those horror movies you get hooked up and can’t look away, but you wonder why you started watching in the first place.

And then I go negotiating with God, like this is not going to happen to me, right? 
And then I start playing in my head all kind of dramatic scenarios, which make me burst into tears.  And then I go all, I’m sorry for being so stupid, please don’t make me jinx it, dear Universe, I don’t really mean it.

Awww. This probably requires a longer post with much more background, but I don’t feel like it. Just wanted to get it off my mind.

But this feels so out of control.

Thank you, Kirsten I’ve been a bit out of touch with you girls lately and I only discovered this a moment ago.

The bloggin’ blessing was started by Ukok, who writes about it:

 The idea… it’s a game of tag with a difference, rather than looking inwardly, we look outside ourselves and bless, praise and pray for one blog friend. By participating in this endeavour we not only make the recipient of the blessing feel valued and appreciated, but we are having some fun too. We’re going to see how far the bloggin’ blessings can travel around the world and how many people can be blessed! Recipients of a bloggin’ blessing may upload the above image to their sidebar if they choose to. If you receive a bloggin’ blessin’ please leave a comment on this thread here so that we can rejoice in just how many blessings have been sent around the world!

Since most of you who are closest to me already have been blessed, this one’s easy on me. I pass this blessing on to Mary, Jay and Maddy.

To Mary, because I always know she hears me. In many things, we’ve traveled similar roads, although years and continents apart. I truly admire the person she’s managed to become. And I look up to her and know, I can do this. Thank you for shining brightly, dear.

To Jay, because she’s brave and strong, facing human pain and suffering on an everyday basis and writing about it humbly, gently, beautifully and respectfully, thus making us see and appreciate what a frail miracle life is.

And to Maddy, who lives a merry life in Villa Villekulla. I would have loved to be your daughter You make me laugh. You make me open my heart and eyes wide and see things differently. Yay you!

Pass it on, girls. I am so glad to have you.

‘Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.’ ~ Rumi

We’re staying home. We have a couple of invitations, but I don’t feel like going. My head is bursting and after waiting patiently for the dull ache to subside, it only became kinda sharp-ish, so now I’m doped up on paracetamol, which is the only pain medication I am allowed to use. 500 mg every 6 hours.

*

My drive is gone. I barely managed to wash the dishes. Yesterday I took a nap in the afternoon and when I woke up, The Darling Man said, I put on the lights for you, so you don’t wake up in the dark. He knows I hate to sleep in the afternoon and waking up to darkness makes me wanna cry. So he’s being considerate, he put the lights on for me. How sweet.

*

Thinking of Yogamum and WoYoPracMo, I dug out a yoga studio offering prenatal yoga. Unfortunately they write on their website it’s only safe to attend classes after the first trimester of pregnancy, because things are a bit vulnerable before that point. So, YM, dear, let’s talk about it in 2009

*

I’m downloading Marry Poppins, I suddenly remembered how this movie makes me laugh and dance. And although prenatal yoga is out of reach for the time being, this kid sure needs some prenatal literary education

So have a great and blissful time, girls (and boys). Stay safe. See you next year.

It started out alright and spiraled down towards mild-but-annoying-disaster. Dad & The Darling Man got themselves drunk on Christmas’ Eve (it’s a man’s thing, you don’t understand, ahem) and mum unpacked her shiny Victorian attitude and went on lecturing for three days straight. So, thank you, family, you are a blast.

I feel weird. Apart from the general nausea-inducing weirdness of pregnancy (5w5d today) I’m in no mood for anything. I don’t like seeing people. I don’t like picking up the phone. I need the apartment re-painted for the baby. I need more space. I need some shelves to hold my books, which are stacked in the kitchen cabinets and strewn around the floor. I need a washing machine, ’cause I can’t stand the piles of dirty laundry waiting to be washed by hand anymore. And maybe I need some Klamath weed to live through the darkness of winter.

The shrink called to tell me he was down with a cold, so I decided not to risk it.

But holy weirdness. This must be hormonal.

I should have posted about this DAYS ago, but I am so very much out of breath that I don’t know how to phrase it, so let’s spill the beans: I am 5w0d p-r-e-g-n-a-n-t today!

I saw my two pink lines on Monday morning after work and I have repeated the test a dozen times since, ’cause every time I sneeze, I fear the baby’s gonna drop out I went to my OB on Thursday, who couldn’t see the embryo yet, but saw a gestational sac measuring 6mm at 4w4d or so.

In a way this comes once again to prove that the Universe hears our prayers.

This is exactly what the “baby” looked like

Oh, please, keep your fingers crossed that all goes well. I’ll keep you posted. Lots to share.

Love,

M.

Okay, I stole that idea from Mary, but since she stole it from someone else… I think that’s actually called sharing And that’s what we do around here, no?

So, Sweetpea,

Let’s start out by saying you’re half as old as I am now, or maybe I am twice as old now as you are. But that’s just the digits. You feel old already? Oh, just wait until you’re my age. Basically, you’ll be disappointed to hear that life just doesn’t get any easier. On the other hand, I need to stress out (what may sound like unsolicited advice, but you haven’t quite reached that rebel stage yet, so hold your breath and listen) - easy does not necessarily mean good. You need to learn about quality.

I know you are dying to hear that this business called “Life” is going to turn out just fabulously carefree and wonderfully harmonious. (Although I don’t really understand how you expect this to happen, from where you stand right now. But you kinda still believe in fairy-tales.) Well, it’s not. I won’t spill the beans though, ’cause I am afraid you might decide not to pull through with it and then in some other parallel reality I might just turn out not to be existing by the age of 26. And, this might console you, I very much like existing.

In case you’re up for some more of unsolicited advice, let me tell you. That God-thing you’ve started peering into, keep that up. In some way or another, this is going to be the light at the end of the tunnel of your darkest hours.

I also know you’re craving some good news, so I’ll give you that. Later rather than sooner you’ll find yourself loving your parents. And you’ll find them loving you back. But mind you, this is going to be a long ride and you’ll need all the patience and faith you can muster. Also, in 7 years time you’ll fall in love truly, madly, deeply and there’s nothing you won’t do for that man, which you’ll find yourself sharing a life with in another 6 years time.

Against all odds

I love you
against weather and climate,
against all rules of
gravity and distance,
centrifugal force and human logic.

I thirst for you
against my far better knowledge
of life’s outcome
and it seems now I’ve lost all my
instincts of self-preservation.

I stand
against nature and history
ready to live or die
or set a precedent:
no one has ever loved you before

and no one will.
But I.

And eventually, you will. In the meantime, there will be a woman or two (don’t you blush on me with disgust, young lady) and also another guy who’ll make your world spin counter-clockwise, but brace yourself, it will be as short as it will be delicious.

But babe, even now I’m double your age I find myself doing lots of things I don’t really like. And there are lots of things about myself I don’t like at all. So keep down that self righteous attitude. You’ll find out to be no better than the people you despise. And you’ll find out that’s not such a bad thing after all. Because if I can give you any sensible advice at all, it would be those wise words by Thich Nhat Hanh (you’ll find out who that is soon enough)

Until we have become that which we are demonstrating against, we will have made no progress.

I know it won’t work for you yet, but you might consider being less of a pathological liar. It is a form of self-defense, but you’ll have to learn the hard way that honesty always is the better path to choose. It spares you the need to confess and long for redemption, later on. Also, it might spare you some couple hundred bucks worth of therapy and public embarrassment. Those lies, they always turn against you.

I also do know you’re already are as much of a codie as I’ll ever be, but let me tell you, people will always love you more for who you are than for whom you pretend to be. And pretending to be who/what you aren’t is lying, mind you. You don’t need to be fragile or ill (in case it occurs to you as a good idea) to be loved and soon enough everybody will be sick of it. Most of all you. But by the time you realize this, playing the drama-queen will have developed into an addiction of its own. (Remember the money you’ll need for therapy.) So please, if there is any road around it, take it. You won’t be sorry for listening.

And I won’t mind at all if in some parallel reality you turn out to be a better person than I am now.

Just in case you feel lonely, helpless and abandoned (c’mon you do), please know that I know what you’re going through and I have compassion for how hard and painful that’s on you. This is to say that all mistakes are forgiven.

Now let me hug you like no one ever has and just keep going, will ya?

Love,

BigSis (the one you were not supposed to have)

P.S. And, oh, babe, before I forget. By the time you are me, you will be slim and gorgeous, one way or another. Stop throwing up, start doing yoga. It will do your stomach some good. But it won’t stop our mum from going all Jeez, how skinny you’ve become! In some ways she’ll never change, you know.

I seem to have a sincere and honest aversion towards Christmas. Not in the religious sense, of course, but my experience of Christmas never (not even once) matched what it’s apparently supposed to be. And maybe year after year, and layer after layer of disappointment added up to what I call my “Christmas depression”.

Our sweet dysfunctional family didn’t even manage to play happy like others do. It’s always been just an outright torture to be out of school and no place to hide. When Wyrdbyrd tagged me with a Christmas meme a few days ago, I just couldn’t help thinking WTF? My mind goes blank on that one. So thank you, sweetie, but this just isn’t going to work.

Yesterday I talked to the shrink about how sad I feel around this time of year. I just can’t seem to think of a reason why to be happy. But I also realized, this is in my choice now. I’m grown up and I can let those memories haunt me, but I can also choose to look at this and change. Today I discussed with The Darling Man (he’s had similar Christmas experiences during the last years) what we want for Christmas and I told him I wanted the tree and the decoration, and the food, and just being together. I want to change the pattern. So now I’ll start to research some recipes (watch me, I’ve never even touched the stove for something else than brewing coffee ;)) and buy some decoration, and I’ll try to get into the mood for this. I have an aversion towards the cooking and the baking, too, ’cause my mum always made such a big deal out of it and ended up screaming and slamming doors because she felt we weren’t enough involved and no one was helping her out during those long kitchen hours. But now I realize it’s a way to show your love and care. So I might just as well give it a try and be wifely and homely. Let’s see how that goes. I’ll keep you updated.

The Chief’s torturing the hell out of me lately. It took her some 4 months but she finally had me crying last week. I don’t even want to start on the horror that one week of day-shifts turns out to be. By the time I come home I’m capable of doing nothing than watching a couple hours of stupid daytime TV. Oh, let’s cut the crap.

Very much like Yogamum I don’t feel like doing yoga, or any kind of practice, for that matter. I don’t even feel like leaving the house and seeing some friends, which is very much different than going into my cell that will teach me everything. I’ve not been avoiding that cell intentionally, I just don’t have the energy left to deal with what’s in there. I don’t even have the energy to throw in a load of laundry. So I’ve been putting things off into the infinite. And they will catch up with me, sooner or later, which gives me the creeps.

Christmas is bothering me, too.

I have to thank you all for your kind words of support. I’m not very good at accepting condolences but knowing I was not alone in this really made a difference. Thank you for still being here and listening, even if I have nothing uplifting to share.

Warm hugs go out to my little community of fellow bloggers and remember, this too shall pass.

The secret of the ring

To think that “I am the mind,” is unawareness. To know that mind is only a mechanism just as the body is, to know that the mind is separate…. The night comes, the morning comes: you don’t get identified with the night. You don’t say, “I am night,” you don’t say, “I am morning.” The night comes, the morning comes, the day comes, again the night comes; the wheel goes on moving, but you remain alert that you are not these things.

The same is the case with the mind. Anger comes, but you forget–you become anger. Greed comes, you forget–you become greed. Hate comes, you forget–you become hate. This is unawareness.

Awareness is watching that the mind is full of greed, full of anger, full of hate or full of lust, but you are simply a watcher. Then you can see greed arising, becoming a great, dark cloud, then dispersing–and you remain untouched. How long can it remain? Your anger is momentary, your greed is momentary, your lust is momentary. Just watch a little and you will be surprised: it comes and it goes. And you are remaining there unaffected, cool, calm.

The most basic thing to remember is that when you are feeling good, in a mood of ecstasy, don’t start thinking that it is going to be your permanent state. Live the moment as joyfully, as cheerfully as possible, knowing perfectly well that it has come and it will go–just like a breeze comes in your house, with all its fragrance and freshness, and goes out from the other door.

This is the most fundamental thing. If you start thinking in terms of making your ecstatic moments permanent, you have already started destroying them. When they come, be grateful; when they leave, be thankful to existence. Remain open. It will happen many times–don’t be judgmental, don’t be a chooser. Remain choiceless. Yes, there will be moments when you will be miserable. So what? There are people who are miserable and who have not even known a single moment of ecstasy; you are fortunate. Even in your misery, remember that it is not going to be permanent; it will also pass away, so don’t get too much disturbed by it. Remain at ease.

Just like day and night, there are moments of joy and there are moments of sadness; accept them as part of the duality of nature, as the very way things are. And you are simply a watcher: neither you become happiness nor you become misery. Happiness comes and goes, misery comes and goes. One thing remains always there–always and always–and that is the watcher, one who witnesses.

Slowly, slowly get more and more centered into the watcher. Days will come and nights will come… lives will come and deaths will come… success will come, failure will come. But if you are centered in the watcher–because that is the only reality in you–everything is a passing phenomenon.

Just for a moment, try to feel what I am saying: just be a watcher….

Do not cling to any moment because it is beautiful, and do not push any moment because it is miserable. Stop doing that. That you have been doing for lives. You have not been successful yet and you will never be successful ever. The only way to go beyond, to remain beyond, is to find a place from where you can watch all these changing phenomena without getting identified.

I will tell you an ancient Sufi story…
A king asked his wise men in the court, “I am making a very beautiful ring for myself. I have got one of the best diamonds possible. I want to keep hidden inside the ring some message that may be helpful to me in a time of utter despair. It has to be very small so that it can be hidden underneath the diamond in the ring.”

They were all wise men, they all were great scholars; they could have written great treatises. But to give him a message of not more than two or three words which would help him in moments of utter despair… They thought, they looked into their books, but they could not find anything.

The king had an old servant who was almost like his father–he had been his father’s servant. The king’s mother had died early and this servant had taken care of him, so he was not treated like a servant. The king had immense respect for him. The old man said, “I am not a wise man, knowledgeable, scholarly; but I know the message–because there is only one message. And these people cannot give it to you; it can be given only by a mystic, by a man who has realized himself.

“In my long life in the palace I have come across all kinds of people, and once, a mystic. He had also been a guest of your father and I was put into his service. When he was departing, as a gesture of thankfulness for all my services he gave me this message”–and he wrote it on a small piece of paper, folded it and told the king, “Don’t read it, just keep it hidden in the ring. Only open it when everything else has failed–when there is no way out.”

And the time came soon. The country was invaded and the king lost his kingdom. He was running away on his horse just to save his life and the enemy horses were following him. He was alone; they were many. And he came to a place where the path stopped, came to a dead end; there was a cliff and a deep valley. To fall into it was to be finished. He could not go back, the enemy was there and he could hear the sounds of the hooves of the horses. He could not go forward, and there was no other way….

Suddenly he remembered the ring. He opened it, took out the paper, and there was a small message of tremendous value: it simply said, “This too will pass.”

A great silence came over him as he read the sentence, “This too will pass.” And it passed. Everything passes away; nothing remains in this world. The enemies who were following him must have got lost in the forest, must have moved on a wrong way; the hooves slowly, slowly were not heard any more.

The king was immensely grateful to the servant and to the unknown mystic. Those words proved miraculous. He folded the paper, put it back into the ring, gathered his armies again and conquered his kingdom back. And the day he was entering his capital, victorious, there was great celebration all over the capital, music, dance–and he was feeling very proud of himself. The old man was walking by the side of his chariot. He said, “This time is also right: look again at the message.”

The king said, “What do you mean? Now I am victorious, people are celebrating. I am not in despair, I am not in a situation where there is no way out.”

The old man said, “Listen. This is what the saint has said to me: this message is not only for despair, it is also for pleasure. This is not only for when you are defeated; it is also for when you are victorious–not only when you are the last, but also when you are the first.”

And the king opened the ring, read the message, “This too will pass,” and suddenly the same peace, the same silence, amidst the crowds, jubilating, celebrating, dancing… but the pride, the ego was gone. Everything passes away.

He asked his old servant to come on the chariot and sit with him. He asked, “Is there anything more? Everything passes away… Your message has been immensely helpful.”

The old man said, “The third thing the saint said, ‘Remember, everything passes. Only you remain; you remain forever as a witness. ‘”

Everything passes, but you remain. You are the reality; everything else is just a dream. Beautiful dreams are there, nightmares are there… But it does not matter whether it is a beautiful dream or a nightmare; what matters is the one who is seeing the dream. That seer is the only reality.

~ Osho

Of course, this is just the story of King Solomon’s Ring, but I like the sufi version for its details. Love you all.